When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is better than being young.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Elderly Man Thinks Fast
An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Getting Older Can be Fun - Age with Humor!
As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends. They can't remember them either.
I would be unstoppable, if I could only get started......
"I am having amnesia, dementia, and deja vu, all at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before . . ."
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
You can't stay young forever. That's just a theory, because you can be immature for your entire life.
I live in my own little world. But it's okay --- they know me here.
Forget health food. I'm at the age where I need all the preservatives I can get. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Older Folks Share Their Views
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or maybe twice.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
My theory on aging is two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Aging with Humor
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
Two Old Guys at Dinner
An elderly couple has dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives leave the table and go into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one says, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man asks, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thinks and thinks and finally asks, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
Memories
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
Nothing enhances the good old days more than a poor memory.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
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